the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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