So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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