I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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