U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
