Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I need to sanitize my soul.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
