tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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