wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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