I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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