I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
