my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
