my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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