Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
