All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
