I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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