HIV tests are more positive than that guy
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
