go do what you do best...puke behind churches
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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