if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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