Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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