just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
