Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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