I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Randomize