can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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