we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
