my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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