im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
my vag is so smooth its legendary
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
