I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
