Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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