i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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