OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
