I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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