i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize