I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
