Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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