Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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