rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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