i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
