it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
