I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
