i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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