Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
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