so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I just found a bag of teeth...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
