I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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