she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize