dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
