I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
