Someone shit on the floor
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
