How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
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