Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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