i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
