Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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