Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
