just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
