I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
