Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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