i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
smell my finger.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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