The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Randomize
