I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
