wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
