I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
