I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
