He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize