I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i think i have two assholes
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
