i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
