WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
