My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize