so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
