I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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